If I had a dollar for every ridiculous excuse that state/federal legislative officials have used to cut funding from certain areas like education and the environment, I’d probably buy my own island and get away from having to deal with such excuses. However, I just heard a new one that is being taken even more seriously now: state parks closing (potentially) as part of a budget cut.

In case you haven’t gotten the hint yet, I’m not exactly pleased about this. State parks generate over 9 times the money that we put into it (6.9 billion goes into the California economy when we spend 767 million into preserving it). These parks have proven to be great stay-cations, aka a cheaper option, for families within California — and these parks attract people from all over the world. While it’s true that cutting back education funding and public aid for those below the poverty line are areas that few want to diminish funding-wise, but we can’t afford to take away from our parks. Mother Nature may be a cold you-know-what sometimes, but she can’t speak up for herself in a case like this — and so it’s up to us to do so.

Bottom line: I cannot — and will not — stand to see state parks closed forever, especially not because greedy politicians can’t do their job better and figure out another way to fix budget issues that should never be blamed — or taken out — on wildlife and our natural environments. I may not be able to speak on behalf of all of her, but Mother Nature sure knows that I have quite the big mouth when necessary.

Today marks Smokey the Bear’s 67th birthday. If you’re too busy wondering how a bear can live this long, or even how his appearance can mask this large swarm of candles on a cake, pay attention; you’re missing the point.

You see, we all know him as the tree-loving, park-ranger-hat-stealing, fur-covered friend that shook our finger at us when we so much as blew out birthday candles near a toothpick. (Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who got surprised one year with a birthday cake decked out in burning candles in the middle of the forest.) And hey, it’s in his job description to ward off against such dangers, even if seemingly small. However, just when we thought that his ever-present words of wisdom had finally penetrated our thick skulls when the number of wildfires significantly dropped, we more than doubled that rate this year alone — and it’s only August. (Illegal fireworks were likely part of this, you crackling-happy Independence Day party-goers.)

I don’t care whether you were more lazy last year and didn’t go camping (and didn’t subsequently try to prove that you could make anything more delicious by setting it on fire), or whether your girlfriend kicked you out on the couch and you decided to get even by dousing her favorite jeans in alcohol and lighting them (and then, oops, the tree) on fire. Something’s not right.

However, the words of Smokey can still be found — and followed. To learn more and to adhere to earth- (and life-) saving tips on preventing wildfires, go to http://www.smokeybear.com/tips.asp — and don’t forget that chicks dig guys who save their jeans, etc. from pyro-creeps like the one listed above. (Better yet, you can thank me when you meet your next girl this way.)

Today marks the 20th anniversary of the net, along with MTV’s 30th birthday. However, as guilt-inducing as trashy reality TV must be for your viewing preferences, I know you all use the ‘net for far more amusing distractions while at work, so we’ll disregard MTV’s new mark.

Now, we all of course know how profoundly the internet has impacted our society — swarms of insightful information (like this blogpost you just happened to find), though coupled with misleading tidbits that some nutjobs throw in, are at our fingertips in a matter of seconds. However, I know you all aren’t using the internet like you could be. Dozens of nonprofit organizations, like wwf.org, constantly need volunteers and donations to keep themselves afloat and able to save the wildlife and environment that we take for granted. (Seeing an actual tree is much different than seeing a pixelated one on Google. Need I continue?) Therefore, without even having to lift yourself out of your seat, you can make a difference in the environment — all thanks to the internet. I’d better see some increased trafficking on a site other than Playboy.

…of telling us to deal with summer heatwaves comes in various forms. For some, it means cranking up the AC. For those who are wise and know a good thing when they read it, they’ve already checked out angrygreengirl.com/better-ways-to-beat-the-heat. However, with record temps all over the country, the Midwest is getting slammed the hardest — one of the largest Midwest heat waves ever will persist this week. Hope you have your bikini and Daisy Dukes ready (or at least your binoculars to catch what you’ll soon call “eyecandy, baby” — coupled with a “my eyes are up here” glare), and be sure to lather up with sunblock until your prayers for winter come true! Now we’ll all feel the wrath of the global warming many (cough cough) have been fighting to reverse….

For those of you who still eat fast food often, despite my rants, you may have noticed that KFC is now donating $1 from every half-gallon soda purchase to the Juvenile Diabetes fund. What’s wrong with this picture? While this may be a nice gesture (and I use that term loosely), I don’t understand how promoting the sales of a soft drink that holds more than your stomach will save kids with diabetes. In fact, last time I checked, guzzling that much soda (and teaching your kids that it’s okay to do so in the name of “charity”) won’t break the cycle, either.