Abercrombie and Fitch used to be known as that one store in the mall that sold average clothes to people who were too distracted by the “models” in the store (right, because all real models limit themselves to just folding clothes) to realize just how much they were spending. Granted, I’ve spotted a cute guy or two whenever I’d pass by one, and I’d occasionally see a piece of clothing that was worth trying on, but A&F has now reached a… boost. They’ve recently started selling padded bikini bra tops — for eight-year-olds. And I’m not talking about just a layer of extra fabric to hide more; I’m talking push-up bra status. Are you serious? My younger sister doesn’t even bother with padded bikini tops, and she’s one of the more endowed ones at her high school. But trying to make girls with mosquito bites for chests more sexually appealing? How can someone who hasn’t even had a first kiss, let alone ever been felt up, be interested in wearing such a thing? Last time I checked, eight-year-old girls are only interested in the color pink and making sure that her classtime artwork makes it to the family fridge — Barbie and Ken probably aren’t even allowed to sleep in the same shoebox at this point. And unless you want men to go after much younger girls (as if the generation gap isn’t bad enough), boys of that age group haven’t even had the “birds and the bees” talk, so forget trying to tie them into this equation.

Imagine how much material will be wasted on these things! If we were talking about, say, a thirteen-year-old audience here, we might save some green (in both senses of the word) from all of the tissue she would’ve used to stuff her bra, even if that strategy wouldn’t work for bikinis in water. Green-wise, I’ve always been less than fond of A&F’s need to restock their paper bag supplies since customers feel like they have to come in and get one of those ab-bearing totes that will never be reused more than twice. At least by hiding the guy’s face, they don’t have to worry about making a whole new set of bags when the “look” of his face gets old. Teens Turning Green, a student-run environmental activist group, is slamming the store with protests against their automatic spraying of Fierce, the A&F-brand perfume, in stores, potentially harming the air/environment with toxic chemicals. You go, girls! I had a beef with Abercrombie when my guyfriends had to stand outside of stores, shirtless, and take pictures with girls who probably could never get guys like that — all in the name of bringing customers in during the holiday season. (FYI, most of those girls probably got what they came for before they even entered the store. At least try to make them work for what they want if you want to even bother to sell a pair of jeans.)

Long story short: kudos, Abercrombie. You’ve now shown me that you’re capable of reaching a whole new level of vanity — and not leaving any time to waste by starting even younger.